Don't look back

My room has been described as a time capsule, and I realised it was true. Everything that I had ever put up or displayed in my room, has stayed there. I looked around and you can see all the stages of life I had ever been through, almost like a timeline.

Nostalgia crept up on me last night when trying to get to sleep, he kidnapped me and carried me down memory lane. Before my eyes was myself when I was 12 and had just entered high school. I watched this clumsy clueless naive little girl go through everything a teenager goes through, peer pressure, conformity, cliques, rebellion, emotional abuse, physical abuse, friendship, arguments, falling outs, secrets, lies, betrayal, love, broken hearts, insecurities and self confidence.

As I re-watched my life, I started to cry as I began to remember everything that ever happened, all the painful memories that I had buried and tried to forget, was dug up and played as a slideshow before me like a cruel joke. Nostalgia realised its cruelty, brought me back to my room and left me in tears.

I tried calling Albert, my heart and my present, but was unable to reach him in the late hours of the night and ended up crying myself to sleep. I woke up today still in tears, I woke up to Albert calling and asking me what was wrong and if I was okay, I told him I wished I had done things differently back then and he told me that everything that happened was never just all my fault and that this is what growing up is about.

I looked around my room and saw things that reminded me of a bad time and/or given to me from people of a distant memory and realised, I have been living in the past. Clinging onto whatever was left of it and keeping it displayed around my room, as if I were still that girl from years ago, not wanting to let go as it was all I've ever known.

I stood up and one by one, began to pack up my past. Taking down pictures drawn for me, relics made for me, toys given to me, photos of people I don't have contact with anymore and put them all in a box, it was time to move on and let go. I guess I've always been afraid to take everything down because then it would feel like it never happened or never existed, but as I stood around my room to what was now bare walls, I felt empty and sad but at the same time, I felt this huge relief wash over me.

I feel vulnerable now, as I can't hide behind any lingering feelings or memories anymore. I still cried as I let go of all the ties of my past, something I've held onto for so many years is now gone and I'm left bare.

Albert called me again as I was still in tears from letting go, he didn't realise as he called me with a happy voice teling me he loves and misses me and all of a sudden, I wasn't sad anymore. The tears finally stopped and I finally saw what was right infront of me this whole time when I was previously too busy t looking what was behind me.

I walked over to my whiteboard which is now clean and bare, I wrote on it to remind myself everyday now,

'Don't look back.'