Friday, February 25, 2011


Today I felt discriminated, felt unjust, felt oppressed, felt hopeless.

I looked at the faces today who said they would give me a honest chance to understand me but instead, I watched my words go through one ear and out the other, with their minds already made regardless of what I was trying to get across.

I wished at the time I wasn't mind blown at how ridiculous the situation was, then maybe I could've spoke my mind and told them how brutally unfair this was.

Every person I have spoken to today has given me the same reaction, no one could believe it and really, neither can I.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Facebook. It's a disease. I hate myself for the amount of time I spend my days on that site, that incessant need to always know what people are doing, what did they get up to etc. Like most of my generation, I have become addicted to keeping up with my social network, keeping up with the trends, scandals and parties, I just had to let everyone know what I was doing with myself.

It wasn't until middle last year, I took a look at myself and thought how pathetic I was. Even though I have never actually shared every problem and thought that was on my mind, posted every single picture I've ever been in, 'statused' about why Albert was being a jackass (I'm kidding babe, but you know those kind of people I'm talking about) I still felt like I was obligated to maintain my place in the social circle, obligated to upkeep the life and persona I had built on a website.

A big reason for doing this is that I didn't want to get left behind. I wanted to let people know 'You know what? I'm way better since the last time you saw me.' And after a good long hard look at myself, I realised I was responsible for all the unwanted attention and gossip that had ever come my way, because I had fed people the information to allow them to do so.

I straight away went cold turkey, disgusted at myself, I deactivated my facebook, and kept it that way for 2 months. It was liberating! It was such a relief not to have to care about what anybody else was doing, what was I missing out on etc and that I could focus more about what was in front of me and not what was on my screen.

Unfortunately, I had missed out on a lot of information regarding my final year in my course that had been posted up via facebook, which led me to fall behind so much in class, I reactivated my account. I was upset. Upset because I reactivated my account, upset because about what had just happened. I had tried my best to break free of this obsession a lot of us have to this site, and I did, only to be pulled back, because without it, I actually did get left behind.

Nowadays, I have slowly come back to where I started, spending too many hours updating my news feed, looking at photos of parties I wasn't invited to etc but starting from the moment I publish this post, I'm going to rid myself of facebook once again, but I've learned something from the attempt I made last year. I'll never be able to fully delete it, like it or not, I have to accept that facebook has become apart of our lives and that most people use it as their main form of communication, invites for events, wall posts for much needed catch ups, and of course, networking. There is not much benefit for me de activating my account again because as for some, it's their only way to get into contact with me. Instead I decided to never look at my feed and only go on facebook whenever I receive a notification, which my phone alerts for me so I don't need to check the site everyday.

I don't care anymore about keeping up with everyone, if I fall off the face of the planet to most of you just because I don't update on my status, then obviously you are not someone closely linked in my life, Albert and Andrew taught me that, and I appreciate them so much for teaching me not to care. I'm really happy to know from now on, I'll be spending my time reading again like I used to, appreciating my independence on pleasing myself and caring about the people who are actually in front of me in person.

But I must let you in on a secret, I am very confident this time to finally come through with this and I have a secret weapon. I obviously will get withdrawal symptoms. I'm only human, curious, nosey, need to be liked and remembered, but I have my nicotine patch solution! I have this application on my browser that gives me a certain time limit to a website before banning me for the rest of the day, I set the limit to 30 minutes a day and if I feel that's too much time, I'll lessen it until I don't need it to restrict me anymore, I just need to remind myself, it's okay to take baby steps. Wish me luck!

P.s regardless of my feelings about facebook, The Social Network is an amazing movie, definitely one of my favourites.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I dream of

In response to Amanda's comment, here is my dream (excuse the typo on loneliness) Feeling like you have no one there for you, next to you, supporting you, loving you, is one of the worst emotions to experience. I want to dream that one day we can build a world where no body has to ever feel that way.

Friday, February 11, 2011

thank you

Do I suffocate people? I think I do. When I look at the lives now of people I have been previously close to, they seem to be so much more carefree and happier without me around. I always thought that if I were to find out the happiness of others I miss terribly, I would be bitter and jealous but surprisingly, I am so happy for them, genuinely.

I miss these people so much. People I've lost over time because of distance, heartache etc I wish I could say to your faces, thank you. Thank you for once being a large part of my life and your life. Thank you for once being so important to me. Thank you for being there when I needed you. Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for giving me love.

Thank you for hurting me when you(s) did, because sometimes you need to get hurt to learn, and I've learnt a lot from everything that's ever happened.

I'm so happy for you all, I'm happy that all the drama I may have caused is in the past for you(s) and that now, you've found something special in your lives. Maybe one day, I'll bump into some of you, after so long, and maybe one day, I'll be able to say it to you in person.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I did have a more detailed blogpost about my time at St Jeromes Laneway Festiva 2011, but my post lacked enthusiasm, and when re reading over it, it just seemed like I was blubbering on about stupid things, so I deleted everything and decided to keep it short and straight to the point with some bullet points.

  • The weather was nothing I had in mind when I purchased the tickets last year. Weather warnings of storms and flash flooding.
  • I didn't know whether to dress for the weather or dress for the crowd. In the end, I chose crowd, which in the end was the appropriate decision.
  • Yes its true east/north/south siders, the highly anticipated sold out festival for all you hipsters is being held in the westside!
  • Passion pop strawberry was sweet tasting and didn't leave any after taste, but was definitely not the best choice to chugg down in less than 5 minutes behind a rubbish bin behind the cops. *burp*
  • Saw a band which we initially thought was The Antlers, but ended up being PVT, it was great, love discovering new amazing artists.
  • Momentarily lost the boys, after sticking my hand up in the air for 15 minutes and getting one successful call through to one another, we regrouped.
  • Just motored our way through the crowd and got to the middle front, epic.
  • Unfortunately Theresa couldn't handle feeling like a sardine amongst the crowd and got a security guard to pull her out to the other side of the barrier.
  • After much delay, TDCC came on stage and played the same exact set from the previous year I saw them.
  • Lost nearly $100 and my phone amongst the moshing, only to have the guy behind me pick it up and give it back, and found my phone that had magically landed in Fiona's hood.
  • Was completely drained throughout Yeasayers set, feet were aching, people were shoving etc
  • Got all my energy back when the one band that gave me the real incentive on going to Laneway appeared in font of me. You know who I'm talking about.
  • They were the only band to have the entire crowd yell out ENCORE!
  • They were a-m-a-z-i-n-g.
  • Left our front row seats in search of Theresa, after many failed calls, finally found her at the LCD screen.
  • Danced to Cutcopy from afar, it was great to have some space to dance and jump around and watch the lights light up the sky.
  • I'm so happy to have gone to an event that broke the routine I have put myself in these days.
  • Can't wait for thursday!

Saturday, February 5, 2011


A couple of days ago, I experienced watching someones life being taken away. I've never seen a death, and it was a very confronting image to watch and to take in. After finishing work on a friday, I headed up to the station as per usual. The weather was 30 degrees and extremely humid, it had been storming earlier with the CBD in chaos with flash flooding, it definitely felt like it wasn't your average day. When I arrived at Flinders street station, there was a train that had just arrived on platform 4, so naturally, people were departing onto the platform.

Where I was standing, I was right infront of a door where people were coming out of, in particular, a fairly old tally skinny man with white hair was about to step off he train when all of a sudden, he had collapsed. Panic arose when he fell to the ground and his face was a flush of red and purple. A woman, who I'm not sure if she was affiliated to the man, but I am going assume it was his wife, fell to her knees beside him and was shaking him, attempting to wake him from his unconsciousness. I looked at the man lying on the ground, and I saw that the red and purple from his face were starting to disappear and leaving his face white. It completely terrified me. I had never seen someones face look that white and lifeless. It was then that the woman realised that he wasn't breathing and started to resuscitate him. She was crying.

I watched her perform CPR on the man for 25 minutes before paramedics had finally come, along with metro staff that were keeping the large crowd that had gathered at a reasonable distance. I saw the paramedics perform CPR for another 10 minutes but my train had arrived by then and I didn't stay to see what happened in the end. Maybe the man had lived, I am not sure. But seeing a body with no color and lying on the ground motionless.. I honestly didn't know how I felt at the time. I was upset, yes, but I was more terrified.

I was also irritated. The crowd that had gathered, I felt that most of them were being so inconsiderate. I know, we as humans are naturally nosey, but I don't know what lets a young man in his early 20's go up to the scene, pull out his phone and start taking pictures and filming of the scene. It made me angry. Why would you do that? Why would you want evidence of something like that on your phone? Two girls who looked slightly younger than me stood infront of where I was to try and poke their nose into what was happening, I saw them giggle and whisper to each other. Why are you smiling? Don't you see that something sad had just happened? What is happy about this situation that makes you want to smile?

People die every day. But it almost seems as if nobody cares anymore. Just because you don't know the person, doesn't make it any less upsetting for me. Life is precious. Don't take it for granted.