My mind is experiencing insane amounts of turbulence at the moment, soaring with my head held high one minute then suddenly plunging down to my knees the next, unfortunately for me, this will continue to happen till next week the latest.
When I summarise in a nutshell what 2011 has brought upon me, it sounds pretty amazing. We're are just over one quater into the year and on one hand it seems like I don't know what I'm doing or heading with my life, but when I sit down with someone and they ask me how I am with me naturally proceeding to tell them what has been happening in my day to day, many people are amazed, almost envious, because when you summarise your life into a paragraph, you actually have experienced/achieved a lot without you even realising.
Until now, I've been told that I regard people too highly. When I meet someone who I find very accomplished and self driven at such an early stage in their life, I instantly become jealous, immediately putting this person on a pedestal and making a desperate attempt in climbing and reaching to their standard. Sadly, I feel like I can never climb that high and without fail, fall most of the time, sometimes even on my face and it's painful, physically and emotionally. When I find myself at the bottom again and again, I get upset and begin to wonder why I am not able to achieve greatness? I continually try my best but I continuously fail in reaching the finish line first.
I wonder what routes these people have taken to get to where there are now and if there are any short cuts because in my perspective, it seems impossible for somebody like me to get to the finish line. But what I've learnt in the past month, there are shortcuts that people know and do use to their advantage, but not everyone is privileged to know them, let alone using it to take you down the fast lane.
These shortcuts are people and I have had to learn the hard way to reluctantly accept the fact that it isn't what you know, it's who you know. I could be working just as hard, if not more than the person next to me, but find myself barely moving far while he/she who may not be as capable moves ahead because of their connections with people. Experiencing this is very disheartening and often puts me in a mindset where I feel like I won't be able to go far with myself because I'm not fortunate enough to have access to 'powerful' people.
But there's only one thing to do if you're someone like me. After days of self pity and doubt of the future, the only thing you can do is to try again. Because while most things is about who you know, there's also a thing called perseverance. My dictionary's description says 'continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty' and really, what other option do you have other than to surrender and fail?
I do put people on pedestals, I do see them in a bright light that shines behind them and I constantly convince myself the grass is always greener on the other side. But it's not always the case, while in 3 months I have experienced heartbreak, falling outs, horrible work ethic and unfair treatment, after going through all the crying and wondering why this was happening to me and if I really deserved all of this, one day, a door opened and guided me out of the darkness to where I am now and since then, more doors have continued to open and it's almost become too overwhelming, to the point where I don't know which one to go into!
I look back now to when I would previously put myself through monotonous repetitive routine and allowed myself to be treated unfairly by people who abused power even in an uninspiring environment just to get by. Without me realising, I had almost let it suck me in and loose myself in what was clearly something no one would ever be proud to be affiliated with. It wasn't until I was attacked by malicious behaviour and personal revenge which pulled me out of what really was a dead end and throw me back out into the world and since then, I have been given dream opportunities, new friends, priceless experience and connections. Yes! In a short time, I have been able to experience living my dream and finally feeling proudly accomplished and I've done it all by myself, without any shortcuts.
The funny thing is, I did not realise all the things I've been through and what I've been able to achieve since then as something amazing until I was catching up with a friend, who looked at me with envious eyes and amazement, making me think back to what I had just told her and realise wow, life and change really does sound amazing when said in a nutshell.
Note: I have my eyes on a specific door, to which I have been giving the opportunity to sell myself and hopefully be offered a chance to become apart of something really exciting, hence the turbulence, please put me out of my misery and call me with good news!