Sunday, March 27, 2011

A couple of months later

I miss what we had. The time where we were able to laugh and be together without any complication. You all came at a time when I thought no one would and was happy to have felt a sense of belonging. I was very happy to be in your company and in a very short time, I had grown very close to all of you, like family.

But things change and it's not what it used to be anymore. It feels like everything has been reversed and I'm back to where I started. When I look at everything now, it feels like I'm standing from the outside looking in and in turn, I have pushed away because it's hard for me to pretend that things are normal when it's not anymore and really, I am a little annoyed as it feels like I got the short end of the straw in this whole mess. I'm sure it doesn't affect some, so it makes me a little embarrassed to take this to heart.

I guess its the way it is now because it can't be helped. I miss the way we used to be, it was very short lived and honestly, I didn't expect it to end the way it did, I didn't expect it to end so soon.


I wrote this a couple of months back. Didn't post it at the time as it would've been extremely obvious who I was directing this to and why.

I decided to post it now, a couple of months later because even though I still feel the same from when I initially wrote this, what's different is I'm not bitter anymore.

I'm not exhausted anymore by all the frustration of thinking what if? What if I have done things differently, what if I hadn't of done that, what if I was this or what if I was that? What if it didn't end up they way it did? All these questions I didn't have answers for and most importantly, never will.

Because what happened, happened. What's done is done and somewhere along the line, without being fully conscious of it, I accepted it. I stopped wishing for a past to come back in all its blissful glory and reprise itself as my present again, instead there was a realization of how naïve it was of me to ever fantasize about the impossible possibility and being completely out of line to ask certain people to bring back a time they were incapable of achieving.

Because no one can bring back the past and I wished at the time that I was more appreciative of the dynamic I had managed to fit in to and become apart of. But I don't see myself as an outsider anymore because I realize now this isn't true. While the dynamic is broken and slightly awkward for some, I still hold my relationships to some individuals close to me, individually. In doing this rather than shutting out completely, I have received the same love back.

So I still have love and support from them but it's a little different from then to now and I've finally come to terms with realizing that it's not such a bad thing. In trying my absolute hardest not to take the easier route by pushing people away, in turn I have had them reward me with their ongoing love and friendship. I'm glad to still have that. It's not exactly how it was back then, it's different now, maybe better in the long term, less naïve, perhaps a little more mature, but the best thing to come out of this is definitely the knowledge of which friendships are the most genuine.

But thank you for being apart of my life once upon a time and thank you even more if you're still around. You're support means the world to me.

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