Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm tired

I'm tired of waiting around for something to happen to me. I'm tired of watching people who don't even make half the effort that I do, but ends up being the one with the better result. I know I can be the laziest person in the world at times, but I really do make an effort to try and get some where, I really do make that effort to become something of myself. I know this, because I'm always stressing about something, even someone, always worrying about getting something on time, getting things right for the next person, helping out others when I should be focusing on my own problems. Only recently I have really actually let go of that little voice in my head that always tells me I shouldn't be spending money and have just been out there, buying things I want, giving me at least a tiny moment just to enjoy what I got for a bit, before going back to realising I should've given that money to help others. It just seems like my life has been one big budget joyride.

I'm tired of watching the people next to me, one at a time, go forward in life, without the effort, without the worry. I'm happy to push people forward and help them, but being the typical Sagittarius that I am, I want to go forward in life as well, quite desperately honestly. To sum everything I've been feeling recently in the past couple of weeks, I'm tired of always thinking 'if only' 'what if' 'how?' 'when?'. I'm tired of thinking about things I don't have answers for.

I have been told that I am one of 'those' people, which I agree and disagree with, I feel that I do not get things that I honestly do believe I deserve sometimes but I know I do get away with a lot of things, a lot of bad things that happen. Yes, it is my own doing for the most part, especially me ranting about something on here when I should getting my ass of this site (or the internet in general) and get myself out there, but in my defence, I may be someone that seems to get away from things easily, but I think that proves that if I'm always the one having to run away from all the bad shit in life, it means a lot more bad happens to me than good.

I'm really starting to wonder, no actually, I'm really starting to doubt these days, if I'm ever going to be that person that gets to stand there and have something good happen for once? if ever?


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2 comments:

  1. adoanutJuly 22, 2010 at 12:14 AM

    i know the feeling. i blogged previously about being a 'vector' (http://imnotunfaithful.blogspot.com/2010/03/vector.html)
    sometimes i still feel that way. everyone is moving forward, and i'm stationary.
    as geeky as this may sound, whenever i start to feel that way, i make charts ... where i am, where i want to be, and how i'm going to get there. it gives you a sense of direction. works for me :)
    re: work to live or live to work. it's a question i think we all ask ourselves at one point. if you're lucky, you'll find a job that pays well and you genuinely enjoy. alternatively, you can find a job you're good at, that you can appreciate to some extent, that pays a decent salary. i think most people fit in the latter category. although, i'm sure you'll enjoy your future career in graphic design. i hear you're quite good ;)
    re: the office job. yes, it can be a little mundane, but like you said - if you're working with a great group of people, it can make a world of difference.
    i hope you find what you're looking for xo

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  2. thechaosofthingsJuly 24, 2010 at 2:46 AM

    Your blogpost is exactly what I'm feeling! its quite amazing how much I relate to it! Hopefully we'll get to were we want to be, thanks so much for understanding amanda, it feels a little less lonely when people can understand. :)

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