save me

I'm usually pretty vague with my blog post's, not really gearing the post towards anyone specific but rather, I talk about how I feel about the current situation. I can't really with this one as it is about myself and how anti social I have become.

I have become so horribly anti social. I haven't stayed at home consecutively this long in years. Usually, I just use my home to sleep and as soon as I am awake, it'll take me 45 minutes max to leave the house again and I'm usually home the following day just to recharge before repeating the same cycle. But lately these days, I have been hiding away in my room, even re arranging the furniture (which I've never done before in my life oddly) to turn it into some sort of fortress of solitude for myself.

At first, I was happy to finally have some down time for myself, to be able to clean out my room, re arrange my wardrobe, sort things into categories, basically acquiring an OCD with my room. If you know me well enough, you would find this mind blowingly strange and out of character.

I wasn't worried until today. I realised I have been giving myself the excuse of not going out lately because I simply can't afford it due to recent experiences. But for a long time, I have attended every gig Albert has played for roughly about 8 - 9 months, even if I was the only person watching them, I'd still be there. But today/last night, I told him I wasn't going to his gig tonight purely because "I just don't feel like it."

I have become too comfortable hiding away in my room, I struggle when people ask me to come out, sometimes even bailing on them purely because I just don't have the motivation to get myself out of the house anymore. I have become afraid of large crowds and making the effort to hold conversations with people.

I was someone that thrived on connecting with people and social events, but now I've become a coward who is just too afraid to leave my room and would rather spend the night alone, not because I want to, but because I've led myself into believing it's easier this way. Save me. Even if I turn you down, please don't let me. Help me get out of this hole I've dug myself in.