dependency

I really have to get my game on. I think it's becoming a little ridiculous of how much I am lagging behind the rest of my peers. I need a job obviously, and having two causal jobs just does not cut it at the moment. I've been applying all over the place, but it's getting hard when everyone requires oneself to have minimum two years experience in the industry. But I'm not particularly fretting so much over it, it is to be expected, the world is tough and competitive and these days, I'm trying to be a little less idealistic and a little more realistic in this new year.

But I think the most important thing I need to start doing is getting my P's. I have to laugh at myself on how much I depend on people driving me around everywhere. Thankfully though, I'm very fortunate to have a large amount of lovely people who are willing to drive me home from work, pick me up from my house, even though they live 30 plus minutes away, others driving me home from a night out when they live quite literally, on the other side of town etc etc. I just can't keep depending on people to be my personal limo driver, it's tedious for me and especially the wonderful person who is obliged to pick me up like a little school girl at the curb waiting hopelessly.

I get frustrated, oh so much, when I find an amazing item eg a shelf I found one day at an op for less than twenty, and I decide not to purchase it, well couldn't is the more appropriate word, because how could I possibly lug a shelf in my arms around in trams and trains? Just no. I thought to myself then and there, wow Jackie, you are just hopeless. I am upset at how restricted I was/am in such small trivial things and I'm doing nothing about it but sitting here complaining about my own incompetence.

I think all this self realisation/pity stemmed from yesterday when I went iceskating with some inspiring people before work. It really did bring a lot of happiness inside me to do something so fun and terrifying with amazing people before heading towards the building that occupies my company 4-5 days a week in shameless routine and repetitiveness. I think my poker face was decent this time, I seemed pretty normal about gliding on ice but secretly, I was terrified. Terrified that I didn't bring pants that could've protected me from any embarrassing trips or falls, but it was AMAZING! Amazing because it made me feel like a child again, getting onto the ice and clinging onto the barrier for support as I took my first steps onto unfamiliar territory.

I felt so ridiculous, vulnerable almost, but in such a good way. Although at the time, I was in complete awe and jealously watching people glide past me so gracefully and effortlessly like swans while I was this little ugly duckling that couldn't keep up with everyone else. It was then and there, when Nikki and Gabby grabbed both of my hands side by side like they were my living and breathing training wheels and glided me away from the barrier that I clung onto with so much dependence and out into the middle of the rink. After gliding around a couple of times, they let go of me and it was so terrifying! But somehow, out of nowhere, I was gliding on my own, with no support from the girls or the barriers, it was AMAZING! I was out there on my own, moving on my own, going where ever I pleased without the restriction of a barrier and most importantly, myself.

I'm so happy to be surrounded by all these new people very recently who have experienced so much in their early lives and are nurturing me with their kind words and gentle pushes to slowly get me out of that protective wall I have been hiding behind for so long and showing me how to live. I love how I have so many different kinds of personalities to look up to and be inspired by their values and morals, and just their way of living, it definitely makes me aspire to better myself so that maybe, I can one day inspire someone to get out there and live! First step, get my p's definitely. (And some new house keys)

I love how such a simple activity can leave me feeling so completely exhilarated. I definitely was not as graceful and beautiful as you would imagine out there on the cold freezing ice, but it didn't matter what I looked like out on the outside, because I felt amazing on the inside.

Shamelessly stole this photo from Nik Nik Nikki's blog!