You know, I had a lot of trouble writing up this blog post, I have so much going on in my head, I guess I don't know how to express it anymore. Someone close to my heart told me recently that I don't update anymore, so I'm going to try and write about all the things that have been happening in the last few weeks, the highs and lows, all while trying to make sense, but my thoughts have been so scattered these days so bare with me, this is an extremely personal post so don't tease me too much.
I think the one thing that shocked me most today, was when I looked at my calendar and realised that christmas is only right around the corner! In 10 days, its next friday. I'm really amazed how fast this year has gone by, but at the same time, it feels like it has taken a lot of effort and patience to get to this point and by now, I'm just burnt out. I'm sad though, it made me realise that for a large period of this year, I have been sleepwalking throughout it all, barely noticing the beautiful things in life that surround around me but instead, I for the most part, tried to get through my day as quickly as I could so that I could avoid certain things that make life hard. I am disappointed in myself that I chose to focus on things that hurt me rather than embrace me and I know that to this point, I still do.
I've also never realised until very recently, how much of the way I've been brought up has affected me and how I act everyday. I can be sad about it because I didn't realise how much I have missed out on because of silly things like money to more important things like the absence of family that I never got to have but I choose not to, well, I try not to at least. Instead I look at it in the way that no matter what I missed out on, whether it was barbies I never got to own or classic pop songs I've never heard but should've, I see that my mum did everything that she could then and now to make me as happy as I could be and it annoys me that I didn't see it back then, how selfish I was when I was younger, I wish I could just go back to whenever i made her feel like she couldn't do enough for me and just tell her she's amazing. I'm so grateful that she is my mother.
Though it feels like I've let this year fly right past me because I was trying to avoid so many things, there have been people that I have met or people I have been friends for awhile now that have really opened my eyes this year and I'm so happy to be in their lives.
There's a girl that I have grown extremely close to and its crazy how we barely have nothing in common but she makes me laugh every time I see her, you wouldn't know it if you saw her (just because of how she was in high school) but she is so sweet and friendly, surprisingly shy at times, but is just full of love and hugs. The thing I've learnt about her is that I know if I met her in highschool, we would not be the kind of friends we are today, and I'm grateful we've met in a situation where we respect the person we are, just how we are. I love her even though I've only known her a short time, and I know if she reads this, she wouldn't know its her I'm talking about!
There's another girl, who I've also known for a very short amount of time, but she just inspires me. She's the one person I can say that is the most genuine and honest person I know. When I'm around her, funnily enough, she makes me feel bad about myself, because I'm not as bright and bubbly as she is but being around her always brings a smile to my face, because her personality and smiles is so contagious, you just feel a better person, or at least aspire to be when you're next to her, which is such an amazing quality to have and I've told her many times, that she is just amazing.
With this person, I don't get bored when I'm with him. He has so many stories to tell, I've thought about buying a rocking chair for him so he could sit in it and continue on in comfort and style. I feel very close to him without knowing him for long but already told some of my biggest insecurities to. I try my best to be there for him whenever I can because I feel its very important to be there for someone when they need it even if they don't ask for it. Because hes done the same for me even if he doesn't know it.
My relationship with my brother is very typical, annoying little sister to the older brother, but he's been a very big influence over me, even since I was a child. And I'm grateful that watching him play shooting games and star craft when I was 5 has turned me into a gamer, stealing his change for train cards, borrowing money off him like a bank, him picking me up at awkward hours, but most importantly, him being there when I needed it, even though he and I are too stubborn to show vulnerability to each other most of the time.
Baby. I've left you for last. Reason being is because, I cannot put into words to describe how incredible you really are. It feels likes we've already spent our entire lives being together, but it feels like it was only just yesterday when we met. I'm so lucky to have met you so early in life, because I know most people spend their life looking for someone like you and you just happened to walk into my life (in our case, sit purposely infront of me in the atrium) and walk right into my heart. I'm pretty sure we've been through everything, the highs and the lows, but after all the laughter and tears, we still hold hands like like we're in high school and I love you for that. I love love love love love love love you. Truly, always.
I really could go on with the list, and really do plan to because I just have so much more personalities to mention, they have brought smiles to my face but it's almost 3am and I'm just so sleepy I'm about to collapse. I do intend to edit this and add more because I don't want to leave anyone out, because they have done so much for me, I can't thank them enough.