life

A couple of days ago, I experienced watching someones life being taken away. I've never seen a death, and it was a very confronting image to watch and to take in. After finishing work on a friday, I headed up to the station as per usual. The weather was 30 degrees and extremely humid, it had been storming earlier with the CBD in chaos with flash flooding, it definitely felt like it wasn't your average day. When I arrived at Flinders street station, there was a train that had just arrived on platform 4, so naturally, people were departing onto the platform.

Where I was standing, I was right infront of a door where people were coming out of, in particular, a fairly old tally skinny man with white hair was about to step off he train when all of a sudden, he had collapsed. Panic arose when he fell to the ground and his face was a flush of red and purple. A woman, who I'm not sure if she was affiliated to the man, but I am going assume it was his wife, fell to her knees beside him and was shaking him, attempting to wake him from his unconsciousness. I looked at the man lying on the ground, and I saw that the red and purple from his face were starting to disappear and leaving his face white. It completely terrified me. I had never seen someones face look that white and lifeless. It was then that the woman realised that he wasn't breathing and started to resuscitate him. She was crying.

I watched her perform CPR on the man for 25 minutes before paramedics had finally come, along with metro staff that were keeping the large crowd that had gathered at a reasonable distance. I saw the paramedics perform CPR for another 10 minutes but my train had arrived by then and I didn't stay to see what happened in the end. Maybe the man had lived, I am not sure. But seeing a body with no color and lying on the ground motionless.. I honestly didn't know how I felt at the time. I was upset, yes, but I was more terrified.

I was also irritated. The crowd that had gathered, I felt that most of them were being so inconsiderate. I know, we as humans are naturally nosey, but I don't know what lets a young man in his early 20's go up to the scene, pull out his phone and start taking pictures and filming of the scene. It made me angry. Why would you do that? Why would you want evidence of something like that on your phone? Two girls who looked slightly younger than me stood infront of where I was to try and poke their nose into what was happening, I saw them giggle and whisper to each other. Why are you smiling? Don't you see that something sad had just happened? What is happy about this situation that makes you want to smile?

People die every day. But it almost seems as if nobody cares anymore. Just because you don't know the person, doesn't make it any less upsetting for me. Life is precious. Don't take it for granted.

hair

la-haut

While I don't own the real dvd (I really need to get on that) and only have the french version of Pixar's Up on my computer, it is my favourite movie. It's a movie I can watch over and over again and it'll still stir up a lot of emotions inside of me, especially in the first 10 minutes of the film. I guess when watching the film, it constantly reminds me that even though you might not go through life reaching your childhood fantasy, your life dream, you can still have an adventure, so long as you're with the right people/person next to you. Hopeless romantic I am, I completely adore Carl and Ellie's relationship and watching it definitely makes me want to grow old, makes me want to grow old with you, if you're reading.

dependency

I really have to get my game on. I think it's becoming a little ridiculous of how much I am lagging behind the rest of my peers. I need a job obviously, and having two causal jobs just does not cut it at the moment. I've been applying all over the place, but it's getting hard when everyone requires oneself to have minimum two years experience in the industry. But I'm not particularly fretting so much over it, it is to be expected, the world is tough and competitive and these days, I'm trying to be a little less idealistic and a little more realistic in this new year.

But I think the most important thing I need to start doing is getting my P's. I have to laugh at myself on how much I depend on people driving me around everywhere. Thankfully though, I'm very fortunate to have a large amount of lovely people who are willing to drive me home from work, pick me up from my house, even though they live 30 plus minutes away, others driving me home from a night out when they live quite literally, on the other side of town etc etc. I just can't keep depending on people to be my personal limo driver, it's tedious for me and especially the wonderful person who is obliged to pick me up like a little school girl at the curb waiting hopelessly.

I get frustrated, oh so much, when I find an amazing item eg a shelf I found one day at an op for less than twenty, and I decide not to purchase it, well couldn't is the more appropriate word, because how could I possibly lug a shelf in my arms around in trams and trains? Just no. I thought to myself then and there, wow Jackie, you are just hopeless. I am upset at how restricted I was/am in such small trivial things and I'm doing nothing about it but sitting here complaining about my own incompetence.

I think all this self realisation/pity stemmed from yesterday when I went iceskating with some inspiring people before work. It really did bring a lot of happiness inside me to do something so fun and terrifying with amazing people before heading towards the building that occupies my company 4-5 days a week in shameless routine and repetitiveness. I think my poker face was decent this time, I seemed pretty normal about gliding on ice but secretly, I was terrified. Terrified that I didn't bring pants that could've protected me from any embarrassing trips or falls, but it was AMAZING! Amazing because it made me feel like a child again, getting onto the ice and clinging onto the barrier for support as I took my first steps onto unfamiliar territory.

I felt so ridiculous, vulnerable almost, but in such a good way. Although at the time, I was in complete awe and jealously watching people glide past me so gracefully and effortlessly like swans while I was this little ugly duckling that couldn't keep up with everyone else. It was then and there, when Nikki and Gabby grabbed both of my hands side by side like they were my living and breathing training wheels and glided me away from the barrier that I clung onto with so much dependence and out into the middle of the rink. After gliding around a couple of times, they let go of me and it was so terrifying! But somehow, out of nowhere, I was gliding on my own, with no support from the girls or the barriers, it was AMAZING! I was out there on my own, moving on my own, going where ever I pleased without the restriction of a barrier and most importantly, myself.

I'm so happy to be surrounded by all these new people very recently who have experienced so much in their early lives and are nurturing me with their kind words and gentle pushes to slowly get me out of that protective wall I have been hiding behind for so long and showing me how to live. I love how I have so many different kinds of personalities to look up to and be inspired by their values and morals, and just their way of living, it definitely makes me aspire to better myself so that maybe, I can one day inspire someone to get out there and live! First step, get my p's definitely. (And some new house keys)

I love how such a simple activity can leave me feeling so completely exhilarated. I definitely was not as graceful and beautiful as you would imagine out there on the cold freezing ice, but it didn't matter what I looked like out on the outside, because I felt amazing on the inside.

Shamelessly stole this photo from Nik Nik Nikki's blog!

secrets

Secrets hurt.

better

What makes us a better person? When we go through heart ache and suffering, it's said you come out a much stronger and better person. Stronger definitely, but what do they mean by better? The fact we come out less naive and less trusting? Does that necessarily mean better? Better because we decide to close ourselves from everyone because we're afraid that the next person we meet is going to tear us apart like the previous? Better because we had to learn that the world is cruel and brutal and we can't trust anyone but ourself? Better because now we're aware of being a burden to others? How is that better? It doesn't make any sense, I don't make any sense.