one of the most

I think being in the middle of a crowd sweating, claustrophobic, dehydrated, thinking you're just about to faint but then all of a sudden, your ears light up to the sound of some of the most amazing musicians is one of the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced.

messy

2010

You know, I had a lot of trouble writing up this blog post, I have so much going on in my head, I guess I don't know how to express it anymore. Someone close to my heart told me recently that I don't update anymore, so I'm going to try and write about all the things that have been happening in the last few weeks, the highs and lows, all while trying to make sense, but my thoughts have been so scattered these days so bare with me, this is an extremely personal post so don't tease me too much.

I think the one thing that shocked me most today, was when I looked at my calendar and realised that christmas is only right around the corner! In 10 days, its next friday. I'm really amazed how fast this year has gone by, but at the same time, it feels like it has taken a lot of effort and patience to get to this point and by now, I'm just burnt out. I'm sad though, it made me realise that for a large period of this year, I have been sleepwalking throughout it all, barely noticing the beautiful things in life that surround around me but instead, I for the most part, tried to get through my day as quickly as I could so that I could avoid certain things that make life hard. I am disappointed in myself that I chose to focus on things that hurt me rather than embrace me and I know that to this point, I still do.

I've also never realised until very recently, how much of the way I've been brought up has affected me and how I act everyday. I can be sad about it because I didn't realise how much I have missed out on because of silly things like money to more important things like the absence of family that I never got to have but I choose not to, well, I try not to at least. Instead I look at it in the way that no matter what I missed out on, whether it was barbies I never got to own or classic pop songs I've never heard but should've, I see that my mum did everything that she could then and now to make me as happy as I could be and it annoys me that I didn't see it back then, how selfish I was when I was younger, I wish I could just go back to whenever i made her feel like she couldn't do enough for me and just tell her she's amazing. I'm so grateful that she is my mother.

Though it feels like I've let this year fly right past me because I was trying to avoid so many things, there have been people that I have met or people I have been friends for awhile now that have really opened my eyes this year and I'm so happy to be in their lives.

There's a girl that I have grown extremely close to and its crazy how we barely have nothing in common but she makes me laugh every time I see her, you wouldn't know it if you saw her (just because of how she was in high school) but she is so sweet and friendly, surprisingly shy at times, but is just full of love and hugs. The thing I've learnt about her is that I know if I met her in highschool, we would not be the kind of friends we are today, and I'm grateful we've met in a situation where we respect the person we are, just how we are. I love her even though I've only known her a short time, and I know if she reads this, she wouldn't know its her I'm talking about!

There's another girl, who I've also known for a very short amount of time, but she just inspires me. She's the one person I can say that is the most genuine and honest person I know. When I'm around her, funnily enough, she makes me feel bad about myself, because I'm not as bright and bubbly as she is but being around her always brings a smile to my face, because her personality and smiles is so contagious, you just feel a better person, or at least aspire to be when you're next to her, which is such an amazing quality to have and I've told her many times, that she is just amazing.

With this person, I don't get bored when I'm with him. He has so many stories to tell, I've thought about buying a rocking chair for him so he could sit in it and continue on in comfort and style. I feel very close to him without knowing him for long but already told some of my biggest insecurities to. I try my best to be there for him whenever I can because I feel its very important to be there for someone when they need it even if they don't ask for it. Because hes done the same for me even if he doesn't know it.

My relationship with my brother is very typical, annoying little sister to the older brother, but he's been a very big influence over me, even since I was a child. And I'm grateful that watching him play shooting games and star craft when I was 5 has turned me into a gamer, stealing his change for train cards, borrowing money off him like a bank, him picking me up at awkward hours, but most importantly, him being there when I needed it, even though he and I are too stubborn to show vulnerability to each other most of the time.

Baby. I've left you for last. Reason being is because, I cannot put into words to describe how incredible you really are. It feels likes we've already spent our entire lives being together, but it feels like it was only just yesterday when we met. I'm so lucky to have met you so early in life, because I know most people spend their life looking for someone like you and you just happened to walk into my life (in our case, sit purposely infront of me in the atrium) and walk right into my heart. I'm pretty sure we've been through everything, the highs and the lows, but after all the laughter and tears, we still hold hands like like we're in high school and I love you for that. I love love love love love love love you. Truly, always.

I really could go on with the list, and really do plan to because I just have so much more personalities to mention, they have brought smiles to my face but it's almost 3am and I'm just so sleepy I'm about to collapse. I do intend to edit this and add more because I don't want to leave anyone out, because they have done so much for me, I can't thank them enough.

2010 to me, has been a year of realisation and the beginning of change. I can't wait for 2011!

she's gorgeous

halfway

I wouldn't say things are perfect, because nothing ever is, but things have been better. I've tried my best to keep to what I believe is the best choice for me, but that doesn't mean I didn't fall through once or twice, but I've learnt from various people, it's okay. I don't have to go through this perfectly. It's okay to fall down every now and then, because after falling, you stand up and start again.

I knew it was going to be a lonely road, but it hasn't been like that at all, which has been very comforting. I've finally been able to close the door behind me and have found support and love in people who have opened a door to me. haha cliche. It's been great, but I'm not out of the woods yet.

first place

I've been told that I should make an effort in order to have something I shouldn't have to make an effort with in the first place. I just don't understand, isn't it already enough effort in what I am doing now? Why do I have to try anymore when..

fed up

I'm not bothered by your immature behavior, does it really look like I want to be anything like you? A total try hard in life? You don't make me jealous, not in the least bit. I used to think you were this person that had this outrageous life and having the time of your life, but now having a real look at you and the people you surround yourself in, why would I want to surround myself around people who give me an eye sore? I don't care if I sound harsh, but I am just fed up with your little games and just want to tell it how it is, because I'm not like you.

But I find it so funny, this whole time you're out to make me feel insecure, when really, I know you're actually the one jealous of me.

destroy

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.

bizzare

This feeling, it's totally bizarre, but I love it! I hope it stays that way!

b&w

almost

I am almost at the finish line! I am so excited, I just wan it to be all over! And it will! I just need to finish this last assignment, and I am DONE! Assuming I don't fail my course and have to repeat a year. I think I would cry, no honestly, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.. But I need to stop assuming the worst, I just need to get through one more day, and then I can relax, and finally begin life!

sort of

You can sort of see me! I miss those days.

thunderstorms

Seriously, how am I supposed to dress to this weather? The weather has deceived me so many times this year, I look out the window, and its sunny and beautiful, so I dress appropriately, but when I reach the train station, I am freezing with goosebumps all over my arms and legs. Melbourne has the worst weather, lets move to an island.

can't wait

I can't wait till it's all over, can't wait for it to begin. Can't wait to start all over, can't wait to do it all again. Can't wait to leave you all behind, can't wait to meet all over again. Can't wait to see whats infront, can't wait to never look behind. Can't wait to show that I don't depend in silly things such as that.

bored

forever

Hey baby,

I wanted to let you know, I know it's been tough lately, it hasn't been easy lately, but I know I love you. And whatever we'll go through, like you said, we'll go through it together. Love you forever! hope this brings a smile to your face.

busy bee

I've been so busy on these holidays, it doesn't even feel like holidays, but I'm so excited! I am currently in the works with a friend on a very special project, and I'm just too excited to get it up in running. I don't want to mention what it is specifically, but my dearly loved will know what I'm talking about, but I just want everything set up before I go jinxing myself! We're going to have our first trial on sunday, hopefully it all goes well! So much to do these days, working, designing, job interviews, thifting, shopping, exploring, its been very eventful, I love it.

where are you?

Where are you sunshine? I miss you so much. Come back to me!

stitch

love it

too long

I've been sick for way too long, not as bad as it used to be, but it's still there. I notice it gets especially worse during the night time, when its cold, I can barley breathe, I wish it went away already, I don't remember what it was like to be 100% healthy. I think I really need to get to a doctor.

continued

Though if it was a really pretty pair.. I can't resist!

far away

Take me on a plane, take me far far away, away from the ordinary and into the extraordinary. Typical me, feeling like it isn't enough, always wanting more. What I want most right now, since forever, isn't a pair of pretty shoes, what I want most is to travel everywhere and see the world.

Pre loved items

Springtime is always exciting! Though I wouldn't make the same remark for the weather lately.. But on the bright side, Melbourne has been celebrating the melbourne spring fashion week, so me and my gorgeous friend went up today to a pre loved market sale to find some cute little numbers, but instead, came out with so much stuff, it was amazing!! I've bought so many items, at amazing prices, $2, $3, $5 clothing and accessories, I literally couldn't hold everything in my hands, and had to figure out what we could do to compact everything together. I had so much fun today!

Excuse my poor grammar and generally bad english, no time to re-read my blog post, I came home to drop my stuff off, and now on my way out to have dinner and lots of laughs with my lover and friend.

sweet tooth

My sweet tooth is insane (to the membrane!). I think I have about 3 creme caramels a day, and growing! Yum!

red

Fresh

So it's been awhile, but I'm still here. How do I feel lately? I feel great! Don't get me wrong, I still complain on a daily basis, get sad from time to time, get easily frustrated at minor things, but in a general sense, I feel great, I feel fresh!

I'm usually always busy doing something, being somewhere. I'm finally starting to do the things I want to do. I'm out and about, meeting new people, buying things I want, seeing the people I love, it's great to have a sense of purpose in your day to day routine.

The bonus to all of this, is the sun starting to appear again (not today though), but when I feel the sunshine hit my face, I feel warm, I feel fuzzy, I feel happy about the fact that my life is only just beginning.

Love

life

It's been more than a year now, since you came into my life, and became my life. We laugh, we cry, we snap, we yell (a lot actually), we play. You tell me I've changed you, now I'm here to tell you the same. You have taught me to let go of my troubles and to move on with life, to better things. And I'm so much happier now! Lazing around in bed for the last 48 hours has been amazing with you! But now, we're screwed because of the homework we've left to the last minute! oops!

She's beautiful

Moshing

So, tomorrow night will be the end of my moshing spree. And can I say, I have bruises ALL over my body, my arms, my boobs, my chest, my ribs, my legs, my wrists, everywhere. I've dislocated my knee in one, I've had my head kicked by a crowd surfer going over me, I've had a microphone stand fall on top of me, I've almost completely passed out due to lack of air and dehydration, but, IT WAS WORTH IT!! Seeing talented people face to face, being at the front of the mosh, meeting some of the band members, talking to them, chatting with them, has been amazing. I'll miss it when it ends!

The Inspirer

So I figured, rather than spending time ranting about my nit picks and grudges, I found a psychology test to do it for me. If you want to know who I am, as a person, this is it, this is as close of a description about me, who I am, how I am, why I am. I can say that 99.8% of what is written below is true to me.

Portrait of an ENFP - (Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling)

The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others (hah. dejavu to my recent blog post), more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything (haha Theresa I know you're laughing). They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships (sorry babe). Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

Starved

I am still in class at the moment, still here at 8.48pm on a monday night, so naturally, I am a little grumpy, but what makes it worse, I am beyond hungry, I could literally eat a cow right now if I could. And I'm just thinking now, even when class finishes at 9pm, it would probably take another hour to get home, and I don't even have enough money to buy a snack. VENT VENT VENT!

Winter calls

I'm tired

I'm tired of waiting around for something to happen to me. I'm tired of watching people who don't even make half the effort that I do, but ends up being the one with the better result. I know I can be the laziest person in the world at times, but I really do make an effort to try and get some where, I really do make that effort to become something of myself. I know this, because I'm always stressing about something, even someone, always worrying about getting something on time, getting things right for the next person, helping out others when I should be focusing on my own problems. Only recently I have really actually let go of that little voice in my head that always tells me I shouldn't be spending money and have just been out there, buying things I want, giving me at least a tiny moment just to enjoy what I got for a bit, before going back to realising I should've given that money to help others. It just seems like my life has been one big budget joyride.

I'm tired of watching the people next to me, one at a time, go forward in life, without the effort, without the worry. I'm happy to push people forward and help them, but being the typical Sagittarius that I am, I want to go forward in life as well, quite desperately honestly. To sum everything I've been feeling recently in the past couple of weeks, I'm tired of always thinking 'if only' 'what if' 'how?' 'when?'. I'm tired of thinking about things I don't have answers for.

I have been told that I am one of 'those' people, which I agree and disagree with, I feel that I do not get things that I honestly do believe I deserve sometimes but I know I do get away with a lot of things, a lot of bad things that happen. Yes, it is my own doing for the most part, especially me ranting about something on here when I should getting my ass of this site (or the internet in general) and get myself out there, but in my defence, I may be someone that seems to get away from things easily, but I think that proves that if I'm always the one having to run away from all the bad shit in life, it means a lot more bad happens to me than good.

I'm really starting to wonder, no actually, I'm really starting to doubt these days, if I'm ever going to be that person that gets to stand there and have something good happen for once? if ever?

Desperately want

RRP: $450.00 US

Oh no

How I've been behaving in the past couple of weeks, I think I'm going to become one of those girls that ends up having 5 credit cards all maxed out and in some serious trouble.

Love you typography

Work experience

I'm currently doing work experience at Optimo Designs, a design firm that does work for the big clients, like borders, nestle etc. It's everything that I would like to do once I get out of school. But after spending a couple of days 'working' there, it's not what I imagined it to be. I realised, putting me in an office space staring at a book shelf for about 7 hours a day, is definitely not good for the soul. I've had less to no work to do, other than some colour correction of images, very dull. The people are lovely, but, I guess they're just way too old for me to relate to. It may be the design industry to hauls in the big money, but I don't know if I can sit in an office for much longer!

Which brings me to the question, can I survive being in an office 5 days a week, no windows, no colour, just for the money? Or am I going to be one of those people thats poor but enjoyes where they work? I've always said to myself, even if it's boring, you gotta do it for the money, it's worth it, but I'm not so sure anymore.

Hopefully I'll get transferred into a more design studio with slightly younger people, so I feel more at home.

The Melbourne Design Market

Some very cute things I picked up at the Design Market today. I'm so in love!

JAH1C: RABBIT RING-MATTE ANTIQUE RRP: $39.00

JCD2B: DIAMOND CAGE STUDS-CLEAR RRP: $35.00

Pretty